Lesbian Couples and Their Parents: The Effects of Perceived Parental Attitudes on the Couple

BIANCA CODY MURPHY

Twenty respondents, each of whom was in a committed couple relationship, were asked how their parents' attitudes toward (a) their partner and (b) their lesbianism impacted on their relationships with their partners. The study revealed that the adverse consequences of parental disapproval are overshadowed by the benefits to the couple that are derived from the decision to affirm one's lesbian identity and to acknowledge the nature of the couple relationship by "coming out" to parents. The negative impact of secrecy on the couple, the downplaying of parental disapproval, the positive effects on the couple of an affirmed lesbian identity, and the importance of acknowledgment of the lesbian couple are discussed. The author maintains that the counselor working with lesbian couples must be lesbian affirmative, and she suggests eight specific, clinical implications for working with lesbian couples.

eparating from the family of origin and joining with another person to become a couple is one of the most (McGoldrick, 1980). Most theorists argue that, when one marries or enters a committed relationship, one must switch loyalty from the parents to the partner. Thus, the term primary relationship is often used to signify the importance of the relationship with a partner. It is frequently noted, however, that "kin ties have priority in time" (Blood, 1969, p. 173) and that strong emotional ties are created during the 20 years that the average American depends on his or her parents. As a result, for married couples, kinship ties with the family of origin can be particularly threatening to the marital bond (Aldous, 1967).

In popular literature there are numerous references to the impact of parents and in-laws on heterosexual relationships, reflected, for example, in the humorous saying, "I married you and not your family." As many family theorists have noted, however, this is not really a joke (Boszormeyni-Nagy & Spark, 1973). McGoldrick (1980) concluded that there are not two, but six, in the marital bed, and Haley (1973) claimed that what distinguishes humans from other animals is the fact of having in-laws. Other animals mature, separate, and mate on their own. Only humans carry their whole family into the bargain.

DO LESBIANS HAVE IN-LAWS?

When a woman marries, her parents, if they are alive, are usually aware of the marriage and frequently take an active part in the ceremony. Her partner becomes an official member of her family in the role of son-in-law, brother-in-law, and so forth.

A lesbian woman's parents, however, are most often unaware when she enters into a primary committed relationship

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with a lover. In fact, numerous studies have indicated that most lesbian women are not "out" to their parents (Bell & Weinberg, 1978; Chafetz, Sampson, Beck, & West, 1974; Jay & Young, 1979). They do not feel that their parents are aware of their lesbianism, much less of their couple relationship.

Many lesbian women say that they do not share the fact of their lesbianism with their parents because they fear that their parents will disapprove of their life-style. And, in reality, many of those who have shared their sexual orientation with their parents reported parental disapproval (Chafetz et al., 1974; Jay & Young, 1979; Mendola, 1980).

These feelings of perceived or anticipated parental disapproval, coupled with the reality of societal disapproval of homosexuality, have been shown to affect the lesbian woman's sense of self and self-esteem. They also affect the couple relationship. In addition, I believe that, even if her parents have not yet met her partner or are unaware of the significance of the relationship, the lesbian woman faces all of the other family loyalty and "in-law" issues faced by her heterosexually married counterparts.

There has been little research on the interactions between lesbian couples and their parents. Tanner (1978), using a sample of 12 lesbian couples, noted that, whenever parental visits took place and parents stayed overnight, the women slept separately. Mendola (1980) surveyed 400 lesbian and gay couples and found that 14% of her sample checked off in-law problems as a source of conflict in the relationship. Recently, Cramer and Roach (1988) explored how self-disclosure affects the relationship between gay men and their parents. But a literature search revealed that no one has specifically studied the impact of parental attitudes on the lesbian couple relationship.

In this article I attempt to bridge the gap. I discuss the ways in which lesbian women report that their perception of parental attitudes toward either their partners, their lesbianism, or both affects lesbian couple relationships.

Method

THE STUDY

The 20 lesbian women who were the participants in this study were part of a larger study, in which I explored the impact of parental attitudes, intergenerational contact, and help patterns of women in committed, cohabitating lesbian couples to a comparative sample of women in heterosexual marriages (Murphy, 1982). Questionnaires were mailed to 36 lesbian women, each of whom had explicitly "come out" to her parents and had

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been living with her lover in a committed, cohabitating relationship for at least 2 years; none of the women had any children, either her lover's or her own, and all were Caucasian, nonHispanic, American born. A total of 20 questionnaires were returned.

The questionnaire was composed of 64 items covering issues such as demographic background (17 items), residential proximity to parents (6 items), contact and help patterns (21 items), and history of the couple relationship and parental knowledge of it (13 items). Many of these were modified items from The Couple Survey (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983). The material on which this article is based was drawn from the seven questions, developed specifically for this study, that asked about parental attitudes toward the partner and their lesbianism and the effects of those attitudes on the couple.

The respondents were given a forced-choice question asking how their parents felt about the partner before they knew of their daughter's lesbianism (if applicable), when she first "came out" (if applicable), and how they currently felt (likes a lot, likes, dislikes, dislikes a lot), as well as how their parents currently felt about their lesbianism (approves or disapproves). The respondents were then asked to rate how their parents' attitudes toward (a) the partner and (b) their lesbianism affected the relationship (greatly enhanced, has helped, has hindered, and greatly detracted). The respondents were asked to explain their responses to these questions. Finally, the respondents were asked to give an example of how the parents' attitudes toward the partner (a) enhanced and (b) detracted from the couple relationships, as well as examples of how the parents' attitudes toward their lesbianism (a) enhanced and (b) detracted from the couple relationship. The respondents were asked to answer each question as it pertained to the attitudes of their mothers, their fathers, and both parents together.

This article focuses on only a part of the original study. It presents the frequency distribution of those questions about parental attitudes that are based on rating scales. Primary emphasis is placed on the results of the qualitative analysis of the open-ended questions about the effects of perceived parental attitudes on the lesbian couple.

Respondents

RESULTS

The respondents ranged in age from 24 to 44, with a mean age of 32.9; their partners ranged in age from 18 to 44, with a mean age of 32.3. In terms of education, all respondents had completed at least 2 years of college; over two-thirds of the respondents had done some graduate work; and 25% of the respondents had completed at least 3 years of graduate school. Their partners were similarly educated. The lesbian respondents' mean annual income was $17,750, and the partners' mean annual income was $18,900. The respondents' mothers ranged in age from 40 to 70, with an average age of 57.9. The respondents' fathers ranged in age from 42 to 73, with an average of 61.1. All of the respondents placed themselves, their partners, and their parents in one of three categories of the middle class. Eighteen (90%) of the respondents reported that they lived in an urban environment.

The lesbian women had met their current partners an average of 10 years before the study. They reported that they had been dating their partners an average of 6 years, had been living with their partners for an average of 41⁄2 years, and reported making a commitment to their partners an average of 5 years ago.

Lesbian Couples and Their Parents

"COMING OUT" TO PARENTS

The respondents "came out" to their mothers between the ages of 19 and 31, at an average of 25.8 years. They "came out" to their fathers about 1 year later (between age 20 and 32), at an average age of 26.3. Twelve respondents (60%) were involved with their current lover, and 8 of the 12 (40%) were already living with their current lover when they told their parents about their lesbianism.

This behavioral decision to disclose their sexual orientation was frequently discussed by the lesbian participants. The respondents indicated that "coming out" to their parents decreased their sense of isolation. Some women said it helped them "come out" to other family members and to friends. Also, several lesbian women reported the importance of being acknowledged as the person they are, even if their parents disapproved of their lesbianism.

Affirming their lesbianism to their parents also allowed for more identity congruence. Respondents reported with relief not having to hide various aspects of their lives and, in effect, to maintain two identities. This is in keeping with Nemeyer's (1980) research on "coming out" and lesbian ego identity, which showed that self-disclosure is a crucial element in self-growth and "is fundamental to a congruent accepted lesbian identity" (p. 118).

Furthermore, and perhaps most important, being "out" to parents allows the individual to maintain a sense of integrity and an integrated self-identity without having to hide or compartmentalize herself.

The respondents, however, indicated that, although their parents now know of the couple relationship, they often ignore couple boundaries by inviting one partner to visit without the other or by pretending that the couple does not exist. One woman reported a story in which she and her lover were invited for dinner at her father's house. He had recently remarried and his new wife was present. During the course of dinner the respondent was amazed to realize that her father had not told his wife about his daughter's lesbianism. When she asked him about it, "he looked at me blankly and said 'No, should I have?'" The respondent reported that she and her partner "disguised ourselves as heterosexual roommates" for the rest of the evening (Respondent 120).

As the above story points out, lesbian women can attempt to achieve an integrated identity in the world by "coming out," only to find that parents, and other significant people in their lives, want to keep them in the closet. Although a heterosexual woman may take for granted that her parents will relate to her and her partner as a couple, the lesbian woman is frequently thankful that her parents at least acknowledge her couple relationship.

Parental Attitudes Toward the Partner

Sixty-one percent of the lesbian respondents said that both their parents like their partners a lot. An additional 25% of the lesbian respondents said that their parents somewhat like their partners. Only three of the lesbian women said that either or both of her parents currently dislike her partner.

An interesting finding was a pattern in the respondents' reports about their parents' attitudes toward their partner over time. Parents of lesbian women seemed to like their daughter's lover better before they knew of the lesbian relationship. All of those to whom this question was applicable said that their

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